I’m kinda lonely and bored. What is the most YOLO thing you recommend doing that is (somewhat) “acceptable” at school?

- A Banana Cat Dog Elephant

To answer your question, why not turn to the answer to life, the universe and pretty much absolutely everything? 42? Ha. No. The right answer: pickup lines. Pickup lines are the perfect solution to your loneliness and desire for YOLO-type activity.

The best thing about pickup lines is that they’re so flexible! You can do whatever you want with them. Fancy something sciencey? Try: “Are you made of flourine, iodine and neon? ‘Cause you are FINe.” Into books? “I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?” Need caffeine? “Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.”

…And I’m just getting started.

Did you fart? Because you blew me away.

If you were a chicken, you’d be im-peck-able.

My love for you is like diarrhea: I just can’t hold it in

I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.

Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Was your dad a boxer? Cause you’re a knockout!

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

Oops, I lost my number. Can I get yours?

I’m not actually this tall. I’m sitting on my wallet.

Using these will definitely solve all your problems, mark my words.

Help!!! My dog peed in the fridge once and now he claims it as his home. What do I do?

— Jason

Refrigerators are generally pretty cold, at about 4 degrees Celsius. This temperature is uninhabitable for most animals, including dogs. Assuming your dog has been living in your fridge as of late, it should have frozen to death long ago. Thus, your pet “dog” is probably not a dog, but in fact a polar bear. Your pet polar bear is probably just looking for its home. Polar bears aren’t very proficient in English, so it must have been confused when it discovered an iced cappuccino in your fridge instead of an ice cap. But, having entered the fridge, it must have noticed a sudden climate change and assumed it was at home again. Since it seems like the polar bear is bothering you, I would recommend calling the Toronto Zoo – they’d probably take it off your hands.

If I throw a rock hard enough, will it fly around the world and hit my back?

— Rock&HardPlace

I don’t get this “a rock” business, as there is only one rock, and he is The Rock. But, yes, if you threw him hard, I reckon he’d be very angry, enough that he’d probably hop on his private jet and fly around the world in order to slam you to the ground.

But, seeing that you threw the Rock so hard, perhaps he would congratulate you on your strength. Perhaps you would become best friends with him. Perhaps he’d even invite you to his mansion and introduce you to Michelle Rodriguez and Vin Diesel. But then again, maybe he’d just hit your back, make you “mysteriously” disappear, and be done with it.

If you could get rid of one state in the U.S., which would it be and why?

— Donald

Easy. Alaska because nobody in America cares about it (especially those ignoramuses who think Texas is the largest state). Pssshhh, we Canadians know it should belong to us, anyway.