The Wind-Up

Make sure your music works.

Make sure music is loud and working or else your teen friends will find other sources of entertainment. i. e. killing each other with beer bottles.

Make sure you have a bouncer/security guard protecting the entrance, collecting the money and moderating guests.

Never have an open party.

Do not attempt to add all your Facebook friends, put the party page on “open privacy”, or tell your friends to bring more friends because if you do, well, random people will pull up their 2007 Toyota beside you and ask about your “jam” and these random people will eventually end up “turning up “ way too hard. You will have to clean up this “turning up”. You have been warned.

Never invite reputable people because whatever rep you have will disintegrate.

Make sure to have enough drinks.

Or else people will try to kill you for drinks.

Follow up: make sure you get drinks a day prior because no one is reliable and you will cry.

Don’t run to the store and buy random things like aux cables last minute.

Just because they have an excellent refund policy doesn’t mean they will take it back.

Decorations are not needed if everyone will be piss drunk.

Get a better phone, to receive calls from 5 billion people and messages from 5 million more.

Don’t think about bringing candy because somehow it will end up on the floor and you’ll wonder how to mop harder to make that sticky gooey mess come off . But it never will.

Get a friend who works in fast food to mop and clean. They are inherently amazing at that stuff.

You need to invite someone with a car, but you need to have someone sober to drive it.

Take your house keys so you can sneak back in.

After the Party’s Started

Do not attempt to run away when the party doesn’t go as planned; people will find you.

Don’t get too drunk as a host.

Do not attempt to walk barefoot when there are broken beer bottles on the floor - just don’t. No matter how drunk you are, find your shoes.

When people smoke inside, you use the fire extinguisher. On . Their . Face.

Don’t get into fights or crowds if you are five feet tall or less. You will die.

Remember you will never get a slice of pizza and despite getting food with your own money the vegetarians will complain about inadequate services; the vegans will spit in your face.

Water bottles are crucial.

If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, do not attempt to flirt with other people. Remember, you are not sober but you still have a brain.

Take pictures!

You might be drunk and in love but caution - there are people around you, so don’t French kiss in the middle of the dance floor.

Do not wear booby cups when you know you’ll be intoxicated. Please don’t; it’s an unpleasant sight and can scar you for the rest of your life. I swear.

To get rid of guests just tell everyone “Whoever stays, cleans”.

The Morning After

Forgive yourself.

Whoever said 17 year old don’t get hangovers was lying. Do yourself a favor and drink water.

When you can’t clean fast enough always hide the excess in cabinets. Come get it later and pass inspection. Yay.

You know you’re popular when after the party, the neighborhood goons know you.

Well done, gold star, this will definitely help you in school.

Remember the good things: like how your boyfriend did his hair for you, how your friends helped clean, and how you had tons of fun with random people!

Congrats, you are now officially broke forever. Go get a job and go to class.