MADHUUUU
You might be asking why this article is named after next year’s Life Manager.
You might be asking why MGCI needs a newspaper. Maybe you think you can already predict my answers. Because we need to know about the most current news? Wrong. Because we need to have a voice? Wrong. Because we need to waste paper? WRONG! (Well, there’s truth in that actually). We need The Reckoner to answer that question that you all are asking (or at least you’re supposed to be). What is the meaning of life?
Luckily for you, we have a board dedicated to answering that question, and you can guess it’s name. In fact it’s the only board that produces real content. By real content we mean pretty pictures, memes, and writing. As a dedicated reader of The Reckoner, I’m sure you’ve followed all of the material we’ve produced over the years. A lot of people say they don’t understand the meaning of it, but that’s just because they’re uncultured swine. To prove my credentials, I’ll give you a full list of synonyms for “uncultured swine”: philistines, the unenlightened, barbarians, neanderthals, and illiterate bumpkins. In order to appreciate real art, you have to be an initiated member of the artistic community. We spend hours browsing Facebook memes and drinking Starbucks coffee to perfect our craft. That takes more effort than all of that AP Physics mumbo-jumbo you nerds! Not to mention all of the black magic that happens during calculus. Luckily for the cultural life of our school we select people for our board that are real lovers of art. Again, you’ve probably heard of all of the hostile propaganda about us, but the simple fact is that most of the people out there can’t see the beauty in what we produce because they haven’t tried enough or they simply don’t have the ability. We are the experts and you just have to trust us. By the way if you still haven’t figured out how we’ve answered the meaning of life, you should fail your OSSLT.
But let’s be rational. Without us it would be far worse. The fools in the Editorial Board wanted to put an infographic about the federal budget where we had “A Bank of Pranks”. Sure, maybe the idea of toilet-papering a school is the most cliché idea ever. Maybe the amount of brainpower it takes to suggest that everyone shout “SUMMER! SUMMER! SUMMER!” might be less than that required when someone shoves massive amounts of toilet paper down one of our school’s exquisitely maintained washrooms. Maybe nobody will notice your “mischievous” announcements (but hey, The Reckoner’s still gets budget money - we’re living proof that you don’t have to be noticed to be successful). Who wants to know about what’s in the federal budget this year anyway? That’s a load of nonsense with numbers. Numbers! If I had our way, math would be banned from the curriculum. Plus, everyone out there knows that the government will be overthrown next year by Communist Party Chief Justin Wynne (see, I know my politicians). In fact I’d say we’re doing you a service by deliberately hogging as much space as possible.
Some people say that while they might ignore the insane ranting that happens in the editorial column they would prefer to see some news. But really, those news people are so boring, always insisting on their “facts” and proper quotes and citations. Stuff that gets forced down your throat every day in grade 10 English. What we really need is some fake news to liven everything up. And if you object to these “lies”, why don’t you go ahead and make the news true? Just know that I’m not legally responsible if the roof gets set on fire again. As for the media board, one argument will suffice to convince you how useless it is. Have you ever considered the fact that your eyes might not be real? Yeah, I bet those photographers will really regret that they didn’t read some elementary philosophy. All the fancy shots they’re taking are just hallucinations in their mind! I can’t really speak of the other boards too much - I’m not aware how our paper publishes all of this stuff. As far as I’m concerned, my writing and a few thousand dollars go into one end of the factory and out of the other end comes a material that has recently become a prized commodity for Eco-team due to its great usefulness at their trashion shows.
Sorry for the digression there. I do have a limited amount of space to write given or else some powerful managers might take extreme measures. Funny that they should be so worked up about a little article considering our readership.
